Looking Back, I Wonder
by Jade Dagger
Summary: Five years after he broke Warp 10, a certain thing still haunts him.


Disclaimer: Not mine. Nope, nada. STVOY and everything related belongs to Paramount and all those people. Actually, much smaller versions of the stuffed animals mentioned are mine. Thats it.

AN: Though Im not new to the world of writing fanfiction, this is the first story Ive ever posted online. Theres about ten years worth of stuff sitting on a floppy somewhere. This thing popped in my head after a long absence from my muse. Constructive critisism is welcomed, flames will be dealt with in whatever way my fellow pyros and I think up.

SPOILERS: Threshold

PAIRINGS: J&P friendship

As Lt Tom Paris left the bedroom section of his quarters his gaze fell upon three large stuffed animals hidden in a corner. He paused for a moment, lost in thought as he looked at them. Sighing, he shrugged his uniform jacket on and left for the bridge.

The Bridge of the USS Voyager was buzzing. They were passing through a system that was merely a group of uninhabited barren planets, filled with various ore's and crystals that would prove useful for Voyagers journey. Ens. Harry Kim and Captain Kathryn Janeway were huddled over the Ops console when Tom walked off the turbolift, heading for the Conn. Harry, as per usual, greeted his friend as he walked by. When Tom didn't respond, Harry frowned in confusion, and Janeway stepped in.

"Mr. Paris? Is everything alright?" she asked. Tom seemed to be jolted out of his current thought as he started slightly.

"Ah, yes Captain, everything's fine" he said, turning in his chair.

"You ignored Mr. Kim on your way in." Janeway pointed out. Tom blinked in surprise, his attention shifting to Harry.

"Sorry, guess I was thinking about something else. Forgive me?"

"Yah, Tom, of course." Harry said, and then bent his head back over his work as Tom returned to focusing on flying the ship. Janeway however was not so easily fooled. She kept half an eye on him as he went to work with barely a word instead of starting up some kind of odd conversation of this or that as he tended to do.

As the shift went on, he was quiet except for comments pertaining to his job. When Harry tried to strike up a discussion on something that he knew Tom had some words on, Tom merely kept his answers to a few words, then faded out of the rest of the conversation, no matter how hard his crew mates tried to draw him back in. When Tom turned down an invitation to the latest holodeck program, Janeway was convinced that his answer of 'everything's fine' was a load of bull.

He couldn't get out of there fast enough. When his relief came in, he walked off the bridge as fast as professionalism allowed and called out his deck before the doors to the turbolift had a chance to close. Had there been an empath aboard, they would have been overwhelmed with the underlying anger, sadness and grief that plagued this man. Hell, anyone who would have passed him then would have known something was wrong. His whole demeanor screamed it. Thankfully there were no others in the halls to see him.

He entered his quarters and just stood there, lost in thought. Tossing his jacket on a nearby chair, he made is way to a closet and a temperature controlled storage case. Entering the code, Tom gazed over the various bottles and containers. This was his secret rarely-used stash of various drinks, all of them alcoholic (or the planetary equivalent). He had collected them, kept them for one reason or another. Usually it was for a special occasion, a birthday, or an anniversary. In rarer cases, he had a few select bottles to get drunk on. Tonight was the latter. Picking out a strong bottle of Vuezalis mead, he made his way back to his desk, stopping to get a hypospray. He was going to need it in the morning.

He poured himself a drink and swirled it in his glass. Then he laughed at himself. This was mead, not whiskey. He took a swallow and then carried the glass and his bottle into his bedroom where his eyes fell upon the three stuffed animals. Here sat the representations of his biggest secret. Five years ago he successfully hit Warp 10, kidnapped his captain, was transformed into a reptilian species, mated with said captain, and reproduced. It was that last thing that had him sitting on the floor against his bed with every intention of getting drunk. Chakotay and Tuvok had decided that it would be best to leave the offspring in their 'natural' habitat. The thought angered Tom immensely. What right did they have to make that decision? His thoughts were interrupted by his door chime. He took another drink and ignored it. It chimed again. Tom still did nothing. On the third time, he cursed inwardly and shoved himself off the floor. He got opened his door in time to see Captain Janeway on the brink of overriding his door security. Though he tried, he couldn't stop the comments.

"You know Captain, when people leave a door locked and unanswered it usually means something along the lines of 'do not disturb'" he said sarcastically.

"We were worried." Was the only answer she gave. Then she looked at him for a moment. "You've been drinking."

Tom sighed and shifted positions, bringing the hand that held his almost empty mead mug into view.

"Vuezalis mead." He answered. "Good stuff. Stronger than your average mead" He turned and walked into his quarters, Janeway behind him.

"Tom, please. We're all worried. You've been falling further and further into this hole of isolation. We don't need an empath to know something's wrong." She pleaded.

Tom didn't say anything for a few minutes. He just stood there, looking at the stars, cradling his drink. From where she stood, Janeway could see the conflict in his eyes. She had just about given up when she heard him say something. So quiet she didn't catch it.

"Do you ever think about them?" He asked again.

"About who?" People back home, people that they've met? She didn't understand.

"Our kids" Janeway was confused now. What did Naomi and the others have to do with anything. She said as much. In response Tom cursed and slammed his mug on an in table, turning to her.

"Damnit, not those kids. OURS! Your and mine. The three from the Warp 10 incident." Janeway took a step back from him. Whatever she was expecting, this wasn't it. She tried to say something, but Tom was on a roll.

"No one asked me, you know." He began, turning back to the window "When we got back and were returned to human form, Doc told me we had mated and that three offspring were found. I was shocked and embarrassed at first, but when he mentioned the offspring, my first thought was 'where are they'. I was about to leap off the bio-bed to see them. Then he dropped the bombshell. Chakotay had decided to leave them there, that it would be best to keep them in their 'natural environment'" Tom finished, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Janeway took a breath, thinking

"They were born that way, Tom. On that planet. Why wouldn't it be?" Tom couldn't believe what he was hearing. He shook his head.

"How do we know that, though?" he asked, "How do we know that they couldn't have survived the change? How do we know that they would survive there? They were newborns! Very few young can survive on there own so young, regardless of species."

"I'm sure Chakotay and Tuvok took that into account when they found them" Janeway tried. Tom shook his head.

"Did they? I checked the logs of the incident. Voyager stayed in orbit long enough to get us and get out. There are no records of any studies or discussions or anything. I'm willing to bet a years worth of rations that the 'discussion' was planet-side and didn't take more than five minutes. I'm thinking of something along the lines of 'how would it look for affect the ship and crew for the captain and helmsman to have 3 kids and not be involved'. They didn't even hang around long enough to see if they were male or female." Tom was almost shouting now. Five years of pent up pain was evident in his voice. Wrapped up in trying to calm himself down he didn't even catch Janeways whispered statement.

"What?" he asked

"Two boys and a girl" she said.

"But I thought that..."

"They didn't" she cut him off. He was right, they didn't officially know what they were, but "Every now and then I dream of them. It's always the same. Two boys and a girl." Some time during the conversation Janeway had seated herself on Toms couch. Tom grabbed a chair and drug it across from her.

"Tell me" he asked softly, like a child begging for a bedtime story. "Tell me about the dreams?" Janeway sighed and leaned back, looking for words.

"The boys are identical, and their sister has just enough resemblance that it's easy to mix them up at first glance. When they're up to something they're three parts of a well oiled machine. One comes up with these schemes, another figures out how it's going to get done, and the other manipulates whatever needs to be manipulated to get away with it." She smiled at a memory only she could see.

"What are their names?" Tom asked. Janeway opened her mouth to answer, then stopped.

"I don't know" she sounded surprised. "Now that I think about it, I can't recall them. I know they're there though but…"

"Jesse, Bryce and Daniel" Now it was Toms turn to fill in the blanks. "I didn't want to see three reptiles every time I thought of my kids, so I gave them names. They each also have a huge stuffed animal sitting in the bedroom."

He stood up, presuming that she would want to see them. She followed suit and he led the way into the next room. Huge was right. In the corner, out of view from the door stood a panther, a bear, and a wolf all somewhere in the vicinity of four or five feet long. Janeway walked to them, letting her fingers run through the soft fur. In her minds eye, she could see her daughter, Bryce perched atop her panther as if she was riding it, but sound asleep. Daniel was often found perched against his wolf doing one thing or another on a PADD, and though she had never said it out loud, Jesse looked absolutely ridiculous as a small boy dragging a bear around that was more than twice his size. She chuckled at the imagery. Tom was about to ask her what she found funny when her comm-badge chirped.

"Torres to Janeway"

Sighing, Janeway let go of her daydream and tapped her badge.

"Janeway here. What can I do for you Lieutenant?"

"You asked to be notified when we were near completion with the long-range sensor modifications." Torres' voice came over the system.

"Thank you Lieutenant, I'm on my way." She tapped her badge and looked back at Tom. Before she could say anything, Tom spoke.

"If you don't mind, Captain, Id really like to hear about your dreams sometime." He said. Janeway allowed herself a small smile.

"Id like that Tom. Perhaps dinner in the next day or so?" She asked. For the first time in a long time, he gave a full-fledged Paris grin.

"Sounds great. I look forward to it." he answered. Janeway nodded, and then headed out. As the door closed behind her, his gaze fell on the bottle of mead sitting on the floor. He picked it up and put it back with the rest of his stash. There were better ways to celebrate his children's birthday now.


End file.
